The Rapids
A Mother at Bedtime
Evenings are a rush
Of time
Of patience
Of love
Brush your teeth, put on your jammies
Settle so I can tuck you in
sudden bursts of energy of children not ready for bed
You want a story, a podcast, music
Mommy needs quiet, peace, sleep
Mommy loves you
But she is tired
Her ears are ringing from the noise of childhood
Her head is throbbing from the chaos
Your joy is overwhelming
Especially at the last minute
How can such a tiny person make so much noise
Finally silence
The rush of sleep falls over you
Your tiny body gives in to weary
A sudden realization of exhaustion
And I will sit here silently
Until you fall asleep
You need me
I need you
I need your chaos
Your laughter
Your joy
volcano in my soul
its always there
just below the surface
even when I don’t want it too
it bubbles up
waiting
even if the ground is solid
cool and strong
no matter how i try to temper it
followed by guilt
its there
failure to control
a failure to change
i said to myself
“You’re better than this”
and yet…
there it is
a genetic structure i can’t undo
no matter how hard I try
no matter what mask I put on
its always there
for a crack
a chance to burst up
to explode
a volcano in my soul
One Day
he hated when my belt pushed against him in the womb
and then one day he was grown
he screamed so loud when he was born he went to the NICU
and then one day he was grown
he refused bottles at daycare because he wanted me to nurse
and then one day he was grown
he learned to walk and rawr
in the same week
and then one day he was grown
he scrapped both knees
called his bandaids stickers
and then one day he was grown
he fell asleep after five minutes in the car but wouldn’t sleep in his crib
and then one day he was grown
he was obsessed with dinosaurs and Paw Patrol
and then one day he was grown
he was so brave on his first day of school while I bawled
and then one day he was grown
he is thirsty for knowledge when it’s something he loves
and then one day he’ll be grown
he is so wild and exhausting and full of life
and then one day he’ll be grown
he still needs me to sit with him at night when he gets scared
and then one day he’ll be grown
he still says he loves me every once in a blue moon
and then one day he’ll be grown.
b.e. poetry: A place for my words 